I don't sell many books simply because no one knows they're out there. I can't afford to advertise, and I haven't been well enough to go out and participate in book signings, etc. All of the reviews I have received were positive and generic. Words like; "Wonderful story", "Loved it", or "Action packed with great characters", is nice to hear, but am I really connecting with the reader?
If I write a scene and it brings tears to my eyes, will the reader tear up also? What about the scene that has me laughing, will the reader at least smile? I don't know and that bothers me. Starting today, I will share a short scene on the blog and ask folks to please read and comment on whatever emotion they felt while reading.
I'm hoping at least a small number of my friends will be willing to spend a few minutes helping me identify my strengths and weaknesses. I need to find a way to restore my confidence and continue writing.
As always, thanks for reading!
The company turned
as one toward the sound of trotting horses and the clatter of wagons. Everyone’s
spirits lifted at the promise of transportation back home. Several men headed
for the stables in search of hay to line the wagon bed for Derek. Braun and his
men began the arduous task of dragging the dead goblins over to the entrance of
the inn.
A two wheeled
farmers cart and two wagons appeared on the road. The young man, who had run
back to the village, jumped down from the cart but before he could reach them, bent
over retching overcome by the stench.
The driver of the first
wagon gathered up her skirts and began the difficult task of climbing down from
the wagon. One of the men rushed over to help her. Safely on the ground, she
tucked several stray silver locks back under her bright red scarf, pulled a
cane from the wagon and searched the faces of the men.
Carefully, she
made her way toward the side of the inn barely glancing at the grotesque bodies
of the dead goblins. She walked unerringly to the tarp covered body that lay
not far from Derek and the others. Using the cane, she slowly lowered herself
to the ground, bent over and pulled the tarp away from the face of the man
hidden underneath.
Gently, she brushed
the blood soaked hair out of his eyes and kissed him on the forehead. Silence
abounded as some of the men had to look away while others could not. Odessa
wrapped her arms around Aldan and buried her face in his chest, sobbing
quietly.
“Harold, you old
fool,” the old woman murmured. “You just had to prove yourself one last time
didn’t you.”
She glanced up at
the men standing there. “Did he die bravely?”
Derek forced an
answer past his own tears. “He saved the lives of several men, m’lady,
including my own. A braver man I have never known.”
I had some thoughts. Why are the goblins being dragged to the Inn entrance? That struck me as odd. The young man is overcome by the stench, who's stench? I assume the goblins, but they are in the preceding paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI think you're trying to get a reader tear over Odessa and her, I assume, husband. Unless, you set it up earlier in the book I'm not feeling it. Perhaps, if you have her searching the scene for a bit before having her climb down as though she was searching that would strengthen it. You don't use her name until the third paragraph after her arriving at the scene. Then only once. I get more attached to a name more than a her and she. Perhaps Aldan could attempt to get in the way of her seeing her man. For her own good, of course. Until she gets mad and then would crash harder when she finally does. Just a thought.
This is a good exercise. If you can project the emotion in a single scene in the middle of the book the way you want - bravo. Yet, if foreshadowed before maybe not so much work is needed had that been read already. Just thinking aloud.
Hope you get to feeling better and start hitting your stride again. I know the bounce back is hell. But everyday is better.
JB Hall - I had the same impression with Odessa/Aldan. On a second read-thru, I now realize these people are witnesses to the old woman and her dead Harold.
ReplyDeleteWhat we are dealing with here is the unfortunate consequence of a snippet of a novel without knowing the preceding events/characters.
Roland! I have the solution for you to get a little tone back in your writing muscles. Find a scene like this from one of your books and then tweak it sufficiently to make it a sort of "micro-short story" so we can follow along. In this case, perhaps put Odessa and Aldrin's name at the beginning, replacing or in addition to "the company" or "everyone's spirits". Make up a couple of troopers having a quick dialogue explaining stenches and goblin piling. That sort of thing.
Interesting. Both of you missed the emotional focus of the scene and got sidetracked by the set-up. Hopefully it's because the scene was taken out of context. Something to think about.
ReplyDeleteWell, I would maintain there cannot be an emotional moment without a set-up. The set-up is essential.
ReplyDeleteRight now, it is like me in my car stopped at a red light near a cemetery. I see a funeral in progress. I have sufficient good manners to feel a moment's sympathy for the folks standing there. Then I see some uniforms. ("He died bravely saving lives") Ah, a soldier's funeral. A little respect thrown in with the sympathy, but I'm still trying to pay attention to traffic. An old woman seems the focus of attention amongst the bereaved. The dead person's wife (a senior veteran?) or his mother? An extra moment of sober reflection and that's it.
Without context and set-up, I don't think you're going to get the feedback you are looking for. Maybe even my "micro-short story" idea won't supply enough context for the tears/thrills/chills/laughs you're hoping to invoke.
Maybe my idea won't work. Three people got it and two didn't. I'll try another scene next week and see what happens. Thanks for playing along!
ReplyDelete